Cheers and Jeers for Monday, January 11, 2021
Notice: Hey, I’ve a fantastic thought. Perhaps we are able to simply water the tree of liberty with, like, y’know…simply water?
By the Numbers:
Days ’til inauguration day: 9
Days ’til Bald Eagle Appreciation Days in Keokuk, Iowa: 5
% of registered voters polled by YouGov who say the terrorist invasion of the U.S. Capitol was mistaken (with 45% of Republicans saying it was nice): 71%
Common variety of thunderstorms, floods, and tornadoes, respectively, within the U.S. yearly: 10,000 / 5,000 / 1,300
% of presidentially-declared disasters for which climate occasions are accountable: 90%
Rank of San Francisco, Portland OR, and Washington DC among the many finest cities for a carless life-style, based on knowledge crunched by Lawnstarter: #1, #2, #3
Rank of Shreveport LA, Montgomery AL, and Little Rock AR amongst worst cities for a carless life-style: #1, #2, #3
Pet Pic of the Day: After the Georgia runoff elections, Chuck Schumer be like…
CHEERS to your morning actuality examine. Let’s zoom out and see if World Conflict Trump has destroyed the planet but:
Hey, take a look at that! Nonetheless in a single piece. Good! Then once more—[Looks at watch]—it is early.
CHEERS to a historic two-fer. Democrats within the Home might introduce an article of impeachment right this moment towards President Donald J. Trump. However as a substitute of nailing him for attempting to steal an election by extorting “a favor, although” from Ukraine, right this moment the cost is—[checks notes]—trying to steal an election by inciting an insurrection amongst his mentally-deranged cult on the U.S. Capitol who, amongst different issues, needed to seek out and dangle his personal vp:
There may be extra backing inside the Home Democratic caucus for impeaching Trump now than there was in 2019 when Trump was first impeached, [Speaker] Pelosi stated, based on a number of sources on the decision. “The President selected to be an insurrectionist,” Pelosi stated, based on one supply stated. “How we go ahead is a topic for this caucus.” […]
As Pelosi and her management staff ran via their choices Thursday night time, the overwhelming sentiment was that impeachment was the best way ahead, based on a number of sources.
No matter what the Senate does, Trump would be the first president in our 245-year historical past to be such a human cesspool of corruption and unrepentance that he needed to be impeached twice by the Home. And he by no means even broke a sweat.
CHEERS to the not-so-artful dodger. Glad 258th birthday to Alexander Hamilton. He was one in every of our nation’s youngest Founding Fathers, however he wasn’t excellent at avoiding controversy (adultery, skullduggery within the 1800 election) or ye olde musket ball. And this is one thing for the pootie diaries:
Folks right this moment nonetheless identify their tomcats after Alexander Hamilton in deference to his notorious many extramarital affairs. Martha Washington was the primary as she named her giant carousing tomcat ‘Hamilton.’
Pay your respects here. Or simply pull out a ten-spot and pat his head.
BRIEF SANITY BREAK
END BRIEF SANITY BREAK
JEERS to the worst tote board on the earth. Rebel or no revolt, the coronavirus pandemic rages on. And with President Trump distracted by the worst disaster in world historical past—the lack of his Twitter account—the virus is in full management for the time being. Worldwide there are actually 90 million instances—over 20 p.c of them within the U.S. Listed below are this week’s numbers for the C&J historic document, courtesy of the most depressing tote board in the world, as our dying toll now roughly equals the inhabitants of America’s 53rd-largest metropolis Cleveland, Ohio:
6 months in the past: 3.4 million confirmed instances. 138,000 deaths.
3 months in the past: 8 million confirmed instances. 219,000 deaths
1 month in the past: 17 million confirmed instances. 305,000 deaths
This morning: 23 million confirmed instances. 382,000 deaths
As for that super-easy-to-spread variant of Covid-19, The New York Instances says it is completely right here and it is gonna kill all of the grandmas, however NBC Information says no, no, no, not so quick, that is not true, however the New York Instances is all like, yuh-huh, we received that straight from Dr. Deborah Birx, however NBC Information says you dingleberries are so dopey, the CDC says it is not true and what the hell are you doing listening to something that freaking Deborah Birx has to say, after she received caught nodding her head when Donald Freaking Trump stated folks may take into account injecting bleach “nearly like a cleansing.” So glad we cleared that up.
CHEERS to clearing the air….and the lungs. Talking of well being menaces, 57 years in the past right this moment, in 1964, U.S. Surgeon Common Luther Terry issued the primary authorities report saying smoking could also be hazardous to your well being. (This got here as fairly a shock to a few of tobacco’s most fervent supporters, like doctors and Ronald Reagan.) The report had quite the impact:
The landmark Surgeon Common’s report on smoking and well being stimulated a vastly elevated concern about tobacco on the a part of the American public and authorities policymakers and led to a broad-based anti-smoking marketing campaign. …
The report was additionally answerable for the passage of the Cigarette Labeling and Promoting Act of 1965, which, amongst different issues, mandated the acquainted Surgeon Common’s well being warnings on cigarette packages.
If you happen to’re within the strategy of quitting or pondering of quitting, go for it. Your lungs and your checking account will thanks.
Ten years in the past in C&J: January 11, 2011 (aka 1/11/11)
JEERS to a very dangerous weekend. First, the massive image: A federal choose, a little bit child, and 4 others have been killed Saturday afternoon and a dozen have been wounded when a lily-white—wild guess right here—”loner” with a paranoia fetish tried to assassinate Arizona Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords, who was at one level falsely declared useless by the media. Medical doctors are cautiously optimistic that Giffords will pull via, though the extent of the mind injury is much from identified. It may not be terribly out of line for me to level out the irony of a bloodbath going down in entrance of an indication that claims “Safeway.” However then once more it most likely is.
And only one extra…
CHEERS to bitchy jokesters. January 10, 1982 was a darkish day for my little (pop. 15,000) delivery hamlet of Mount Vernon, Ohio. Our most well-known son, Paul “Heart Sq.” Lynde, was discovered useless of a coronary heart assault at 55—the age I turned two years in the past, so I can formally let you know that’s younger—in his Beverly Hills house, and our city simply froze for the day (in equity, it was the center of January). It’s now not a secret that a lot of the jokes Lynde received credit score for on Hollywood Squares have been created by skilled writers with an actual knack for double entendres. However Paul’s campy reward for timing elevated them to comedy hall-of-fame materials:
Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive characteristic. What’s it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes.
Peter Marshall: Paul, in what well-known ebook will you examine a speaking ass who wonders why it is being overwhelmed?
Paul Lynde: The Pleasure of Intercourse.
Peter Marshall: Will a new child child be taught something by the point he is 5 days previous?
Paul Lynde: Sure, we should always keep away from one another after we’re ingesting.
Peter Marshall: In keeping with the French Chef, Julia Baby, how a lot is a pinch?
Paul Lynde: Simply sufficient to show her on.
Peter Marshall: Paul, Poe’s The Raven stated, “Nevermore.” What did Gilbert and Sullivan’s Dickie Chook say?
Paul Lynde: “Let’s not wallow in Watergate.”
Peter Marshall: Within the The Wizard of Oz, the lion needed braveness and the tin man needed a coronary heart. What did the scarecrow need?
Paul Lynde: He needed the tin man to note him.
And the traditional that put him on the map:
Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell’s Angels put on leather-based?
Paul Lynde: As a result of chiffon wrinkles too simply.
You may discover tons of clips and data on the official Lynde fan site and here. He was an attention-grabbing—and irritating—transitional determine on the LGBT timeline of the 60s and 70s. Regardless that his lips by no means stated “I am homosexual,” his demeanor—together with as Uncle Arthur on Bewitched—screamed it. However scores of homophobic feminine followers by no means figured it out, and their adoring fan mail, together with marriage proposals, by no means stopped filling his mailbox. Peter Marshall famously stated, “Paul made the world secure for sissies.” And I admit, it is good not having to lock my door at night time.
Have a tolerable Monday. Flooring’s open…What are you cheering and jeering about right this moment?
At present’s Shameless C&J Testimonial
“So how is the 2021 Cheers and Jeers kiddie pool thus far? Fairly OK? No completely different? Colder?”